I meditate every morning for 20 minutes. That’s not a brag — it’s just what I do, like flossing. There’s a feeling I sometimes get when I’m meditating that I’ve found the golden center. Everything is still and quiet but also alive and humming. They key word in that description is “sometimes.” Sometimes it happens for long, sustained moments; sometimes it comes in little blips here and there; other times it doesn’t happen at all. When there’s less gold in the meditation, I feel disappointed, like I’ve missed an opportunity.
This is a silly way to think. It’s silly because the benefits of meditating daily don’t care how you feel about things. Feel like you’ve floated into the upper stratosphere or feel like you spent twenty minutes reviewing your to-do list with your eyes closed — as long as you’re doing the technique the right way, you get the positive effects.
But that’s not how we’re built. We’re built to thirst for victory. To win in every situation. Maybe you don’t think about it as winning, but it’s clear to me that’s what’s going on here. Enter situations, desire to exit in a certain way, feel disappointed if your expectations go unfulfilled. It’s not necessarily a bad way to live. It drives us to excel, to adapt, and to improve our lot in life. All good things, right?
The problem is that if you live this way in relation to how you feel when you’re doing the things you do, you’re setting yourself up to be an addict of one kind or another.
Drink for the feeling. If the first beer doesn’t do the trick, surely another will. That pattern doesn’t need much more explanation, does it?
Love for the feeling. If you think that you’re always going to feel that “in love” feeling when you’re with your partner, you’re not going to be with your partner for long — not happily anyway — because anyone who has been in a relationship of any significant length knows that those brain chemicals have a shelf life.
Eat for the feeling. Eat to experience what Joe Rogan calls “mouth pleasure” and you’re going to end up fat and unhappy. It’s not that food shouldn’t taste good, but if you sit down with the goal of experiencing maximum taste sensations every time, you won’t be happy at the end of that road. Especially in a world where food scientists have dialed salty-sweet-umami to 11 on processed foods.
Work for the feeling. Work for the pat on the back. For the cash and prizes. For the status or the recognition or the you-name-it. Isn’t this what everyone works for? Maybe that’s a problem. How’s it working out for you so far?
I’m not counseling Puritanism here. I don’t think you should go through life making purely utilitarian decisions and eschewing all pleasure. But it’s important to remember that the desire for the win, if left unchecked, robs any situation of its inherent sweetness if things don’t work out exactly the way you’ve dreamed. And how often do they? Do you really want to go through life riding the spectrum from mild to severe disappointment with the occasional golden zap of success?
Savor the wins when they come. Work for them and strive for them and hope for them. But when the verdict comes in, as it does every minute of the day, be honest with yourself and accept what comes back with equanimity. Then do it again. Spending time regretting that things aren’t the way you wanted them to be is a waste of your time. You might as well wish for the weather to be different. You’re welcome to rage at a raincloud, but you’ll get just as wet.
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